If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
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My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Not today. 😅
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My dress code is business-casualty.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child