The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
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I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name