Amazon: your package is 10 stops away
Me: *following the van* oh I know
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
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Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
*Neighbor text – Sorry for using your wife. Use only when you’re not at home*
*Neighbor text again – I mean ‘Wifi’ not wife*
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status… After 3 it should default to “Unstable”
Whenever someone says, “A word to the wise,” I assume it to be my dismissal from the conversation.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.