@shanethevein

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

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@DaddyJew

Amazon: your package is 10 stops away

Me: *following the van* oh I know

@Lhlodder

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

@upsidedowntrash

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

@iGreenMonk

*Neighbor text – Sorry for using your wife. Use only when you’re not at home*

*Shoots Wife*

*Neighbor text again – I mean ‘Wifi’ not wife*

@TequilaTears

Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status… After 3 it should default to “Unstable”

@DogGoing

Whenever someone says, “A word to the wise,” I assume it to be my dismissal from the conversation.

@KonaSlater

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

@bonehugsnirony

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

@crunchenhancer

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.