The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
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So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.