The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
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“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice