The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
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Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Oh thanks BBC.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.