“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
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me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.