the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
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Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
🤣🤣
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…