Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
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haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.