Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
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We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.