The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
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not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Put a ring on it
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Sing it!
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.