Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
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[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Personal question. #JustSaying
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
yes… yes…