The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
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my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
the chicken was already gone when I got here
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.