@DamonHunzeker

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

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@serialmatrix

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

@hippieswordfish

*guy collapses*
ICE CREAM MAN: does anyone know CPR
DOCTOR:*looks at ice cream cones in both his hands, looks up, then slowly walks away*

@jellybnbonanza

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

@KenJennings

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

@GeriatricBeards

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

@P1ssed_K1d

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

@TheNardvark

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

@Fred_Delicious

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

@sarcasticmommy4

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

@ckretmsage

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.