I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
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ICE CREAM MAN: does anyone know CPR
DOCTOR:*looks at ice cream cones in both his hands, looks up, then slowly walks away*
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.