I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
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Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?
HER: I’m into the outdoorsy type
ME: [Trying to impress her] I dumped a body in the woods once
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I went to the Gym and the power went out. I whispered, “thank you baby jesus” and left.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom