The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

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I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.


Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?


HER: I’m into the outdoorsy type

ME: [Trying to impress her] I dumped a body in the woods once


Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.


I went to the Gym and the power went out. I whispered, “thank you baby jesus” and left.


Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.


How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?


A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.


Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom