The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
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Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!