The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
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God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Seas the day!!!!
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Can’t. Being lazy.
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By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.