The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

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can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this


Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back


To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.


Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter


Yes, I may have misheard you but this doesn’t mean I don’t want a night cat any less.


[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this


Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”


Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”


A Swiss army knife, but one that has a tool that closes your mouth when you’re about to say something stupid.