I wonder who Rose is going to kill in Titanic II.
The best way to avoid losing your head is by not marrying Henry VIII.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
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I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
*nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup
I’ll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito?
Patrons: HE’S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Cant. I shaved yesterday so I’m spending today scratching myself.