I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
You Might Also Like
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.