The best way to avoid losing your head is by not marrying Henry VIII. 

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

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I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.


My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.


*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*


When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK


“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before


Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?


Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind


*nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup

I’ll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito?

Patrons: HE’S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!


*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*