@Gupton68

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

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@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

@Jarhead44

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

@ninjadinosaur1

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

@GinRumMe

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

@ericsshadow

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

@Marlebean

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

@edana_irish

Girls go to the bathroom together because that’s where we rap battle

@TheBoydP

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?