@omgthatspunny

The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.

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@juskewitch

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

@deathoftheparty

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

@harambevan

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

@SondraDeeMe

3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

@VisionBored1

My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying

@bombsfall

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

@AndrewNadeau0

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

@ohpeetie

You think you understand people and then you see a car with eyelashes on the headlights.

@ThisOneSayz

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”