The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
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you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
You think you understand people and then you see a car with eyelashes on the headlights.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”