Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
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*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen