Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
the best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3am
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I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it