the best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3am

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Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law


I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.


I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall


I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.


On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”


I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.


Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box


I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.


BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it