The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.