The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
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harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.