Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
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What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
what day is it?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.