3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
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I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once