The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
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Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Danger is very dangerous
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.