The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
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{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Kidney stones? Hard pass
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Very good! 👍😂
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister