The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
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Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Always a housemaid, never a house.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.