Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that’s sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that’ll turn you on.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
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im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table.
That’s all the DNA test I need.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Friend of mine is convinced this whole virus thing is a hoax. It’s hard to doubt him because he also knows exactly where they’re hiding the aliens in Area 51
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty