The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
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When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”