The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
You Might Also Like
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans