The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
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Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.