The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
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Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
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my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.