The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
You Might Also Like
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Dune (2021)
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.