The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
*ernest hemingway voice*
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!