The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
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How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Sounds like a bargain
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt