The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
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I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.