@ilovepie84

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

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@theshantilly

How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?

@simoncholland

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

@bingowings14

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

@JediGigi

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

@hippieswordfish

[police chase]
FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff
ME: are u sure
F: just do it
M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*

@krisv_723

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

@punmagnate

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

@Darlainky

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

@BigHeb7

Whenever I’m about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I piss myself.

@drinksmcgee

Say what you want about serial killers but you can’t argue with their work ethic.