The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
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Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
termite twitter scares me
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
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Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so