@ilovepie84

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

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@hexprax

hi senator, yeah it’s me again , how u been the last couple days? just want to go on record that I don’t want to be killed this way either

@Reverend_Scott

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

@suzieQ0007

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

@junejuly12

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

@iwearaonesie

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

@QwertyJones3

COLLEGE STUDENT: Mom wants me to be a doctor, but I really just want to be one of those people who takes your money at the bank.

DAD: Teller

COLLEGE STUDENT: I do but she doesn’t listen

@gfishandnuggets

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

@sucittaM

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.