How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
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Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff
ME: are u sure
F: just do it
M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Whenever I’m about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I piss myself.
Say what you want about serial killers but you can’t argue with their work ethic.