hi senator, yeah it’s me again , how u been the last couple days? just want to go on record that I don’t want to be killed this way either
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
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GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
COLLEGE STUDENT: Mom wants me to be a doctor, but I really just want to be one of those people who takes your money at the bank.
COLLEGE STUDENT: I do but she doesn’t listen
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Stop adding commas, where they don’t belong.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.