The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

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Kid: What’s a man?

Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you.

Kid: When i grow up, I’ll be a man like mom


My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.


I’m sorry I said “sorry about your eyebrows” when you showed me your wedding photos


If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It


Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*


No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.


Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.


Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.


*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.


Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.