I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
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[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project