Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
host: let’s just reschedule
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I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Hi yes, I’d like the cheeseburger
“How would you like that cooked?”
*gets right up in waitresses face*
With frickin fire, obviously
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up
teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations