[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

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Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first


I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people


What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.


Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?


Hi yes, I’d like the cheeseburger
“How would you like that cooked?”
*gets right up in waitresses face*
With frickin fire, obviously


Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.


if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy


*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*


teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations