[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
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My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley