The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
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Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.