The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
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Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
All set.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
But wait…
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.