The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
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Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Toxic snake
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous