The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
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My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Well, this explains it:
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Mad Max: Furry Road
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
@funTweeters
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.