The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
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just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.