I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
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The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Lube but for my dry humor.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
*limbos away from your hug*
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them