me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
“The Bible” running on the History Channel is like “Dragons” running on Animal Planet.
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GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I swear…I think restaurants with drive thru’s identify the dumbest employee and say “here, you get to wear the headset”
*Eats a Lean Cuisine
*20 minutes go by.
*Devours entire Pizza Hut store…including employees.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Store Sign: “WE HAVE MACE”
Think that’s going to keep me from shopping here?
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know