@TheTweetOfGod

“The Bible” running on the History Channel is like “Dragons” running on Animal Planet.

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@FredTaming

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

@rad_milk

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

@Swain_Train47

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

@RockKraller

I swear…I think restaurants with drive thru’s identify the dumbest employee and say “here, you get to wear the headset”

@JohnnyCrash5

*Eats a Lean Cuisine

*20 minutes go by.

*Devours entire Pizza Hut store…including employees.

@marcodas146

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

@Darlainky

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

@timdonakowski

Store Sign: “WE HAVE MACE”

Think that’s going to keep me from shopping here?

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

@DaddyJew

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know