Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
You Might Also Like
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.