The big book of baby names but for safe words
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[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Natty or not?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!