@Rica_Bee

The big book of baby names but for safe words

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@seanforhire

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

@aka_fatman

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

@Parkerlawyer

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

@VibesBummer

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

@_elvishpresley_

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

@NomDeBenoit

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

@ElgatoEsmio

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

@desukidesu

the three most popular activities in ancient greece:

3) debating the meaning of life
2) performing theatre
1) having sex with zeus

@JWilsonGA

Wife: Your PMS jokes aren’t funny.
Me: I can’t help it, they just flow out of my mouth.
Wife: …
Me: Fine. No more. Period.
Wife: *eyeroll*