@stevevsninjas

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

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@Lhlodder

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

@CallmeMrBigs

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

@TheTweetOfGod

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

@markydoodoo

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

@DurtMcHurtt

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

@Staggfilms

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

@KrazykurtKurt

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

@Slims_Ramblings

Confidence should never be confused with arrogance.

Arrogance is spelled way differently.

@humanaaron

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

@MikeCanRant

Hi yes, I’d like the cheeseburger
“How would you like that cooked?”
*gets right up in waitresses face*
With frickin fire, obviously