The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

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“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.


Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.


interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then


I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.


It’s fun to smudge your lipstick and ruffle your hair before you come out of your bosses office, then give your work colleagues a wink.


The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s


[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!


(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep