@stevevsninjas

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

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@MariyaAlexander

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

@sip_at_home_mom

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

@tweetsbyrocket

interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@Ophelia_808

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

@Clare_innit

It’s fun to smudge your lipstick and ruffle your hair before you come out of your bosses office, then give your work colleagues a wink.

@bellalawtonn

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

@jctwritesstuff

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

@OfficeofSteve

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep