The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
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I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Xylophonist Shredding It
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]