@WoodyLuvsCoffee

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

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@KalvinMacleod

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chefย would know

@aveuaskew

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

@stephenjmolloy

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

@junejuly12

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

@AmishPornStar1

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

@HatfieldAnne

Um, guys, whaddya do with a 5 y.o. at an aquarium who’s hysterical because she sees Dory in a tank and I kind of need to know right now.

@longwall26

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

@DaddyJew

9: can I go play at TJ’s house?

Me: who?

9: TJ, you’ve met him like a thousand times

Me: no idea

9: he lives 2 houses down

Me: not ringing a bell

9: they have a yellow dog

Me: oh..Bark Whalberg’s house? Yea that’s fine

@YoungFunE

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa